I popped one of you on Saturday after a stroll through Hollywood Forever Cemetery left me with the sniffles and itchy eyes. I knew you would dry out my sinuses and eyes, so I removed my contacts, lest they stick to my eyeballs and I have to peel them off at the end of the day. I had foreseen the dry eye situation correctly, but alas, I still had the sniffles.
On Sunday, the sniffles became the sneezes and sniffs and the itchy eyes were back, I turned to you for aid once more. You let me down again. Dry eyes, but still “achoos” and “I need a tissues.”
Monday: see Sunday
Today: I have now turned to your help so many times, Claritin, that you have dried up all moisture in my skull (EXCEPT FOR MY SNOT) so completely, that I have had a bloody nose off and on all evening. Dry eyes, dry mouth, dry and cracked sinus tissue that is bleeding, WHILE I SNEEZE. As you can imagine, I am not a pretty picture.
I hate you, Claritin. You are a big fat doody head and I hope Santa doesn’t bring you any presents this year.
Remember piggy back rides? I loved piggy back rides. I speak of them in the past tense now because, unfortunately, the height of Heidi Garvin in relation to the average height of men in America is not a ratio conducive to piggy back riding.
The only stamps the post office had yesterday were ones that featured wedding rings. So now all my mail looks like it has the leftover stamps from wedding invitations on it. I had to explain in a card I sent to a friend that I, in fact, was NOT getting married and not to worry, that I didn’t even have a boyfriend. In the card to my mother, however, I had to write CALM DOWN. I don’t even have a boyfriend! Put that Emily Post’s Guide to Weddings AWAY!
This is SORT OF the recipe I used for my cinnamon rolls. It was more a jumping off point.
I didn’t have enough whole milk, so I used a little skim milk, too.
I let my dough rise longer than the recipe called for. Mostly because IT WAS RISING VERY SLOWLY. Which may or may not be due to the fact that I have no patience and lifted the dish towel I had covering it to check it every five minutes. Oops.
I did not work with all of the dough at one time. I worked with whatever amount would fit rolled out to about 1/4” thick on whatever random size piece of wax paper I had laid down on my counter at the time.
I melted the random chunks of butter I happened to have on hand and when that ran out, stuck the leftover dough in the fridge until I go get more butter.
I did not use the maple frosting she provides the recipe for. I whipped together a vanilla icing/glaze out of unmeasured amounts of sifted powered sugar (A LOT), skim milk (a little), vanilla extract (a splash), light corn syrup (a dollop), and sweetened condensed milk (a medium sized glob).
Today, the little girl who lives across the street from my parents told me some really important things. We met on the driveway in front of my house. I was helping my mom carry in things from the car and she was taking refuge in the shade of our drive, eating some ice cream. She said that she watched a movie in school today about what happens to girls bodies when they get older. It was, and I quote, “disgusting.” They showed pictures of what is inside of you and even talked about THE PERIOD and tampons and pads! It was really gross.
Her little brothers were flanking her side, so I just told her it may seem “disgusting” but it’s natural. And I know, it’s weird to think about, but it’s not that gross. What I really wanted to say, though was this: I KNOW! THE PERIOD SUCKS SO BAD! AND CRAMPS! DID THEY MENTION THAT?? THERE WILL BE HORRIFICALLY PAINFUL CRAMPS!! UGH. TRY NOT TO GROW UP, IF YOU CAN HELP IT. JUST STAY ADORABLE AND EAT ICE CREAM FOREEEEEEEEEVER!!!
So I got 50 free 4x6 prints from Shutterfly…so i figured i’d do the right thing and give them away sort of. So I made a set on my Flickr with all the photos i would think people would want….So just send me an email with a link to the photo or photos you want…and maybe an address cause i think i…
If I’ve ever been to a party at your place, I’ve probably hid in your bathroom at some point and wondered how on earth I was going to make it through the rest of that night with any amount of grace. And then proceeded to make it through the rest of that night with no grace whatsoever.
I’ve also probably scared some of your guests with my stories that don’t know appropriate social boundaries and then told them “I’m awkward! Sorry!” as though that explains it all.
I’ve also probably either been asked out by someone or dumped someone or both at your party or immediately following.
I love Arby’s! It’s my favorite. Seriously. I eat it at least three times a week. I want to move into the apartments behind the Arby’s so I can walk there everyday and so that my home will ALWAYS smell like ARBY’S. I can’t even tell you how much I love Arby’s. That place is AWESOME!
Look, I know a lot of you don’t have health insurance, and yeah, I know there’s a ton of paperwork involved in this and it’s a huge hassle, but in case you have gangrene or are dying, I’m here to point you to the free health care Los Angeles County residents have access to. They also have a free Sexual Health Clinic that will mail you condoms to your home. Prescription meds will cost you an arm and a leg, but condoms, and their postage, are FREE! Oh, America…
I’ve thought about doing audio posts of my sweet lilting voice speaking my amazing insights here on tumblr, but since I can hardly leave a cohesive voicemail, I figure that would probably be a train wreck.
dating is rough. I am sorry, man. And there’s so much passion going on when you’re 19 and haven’t become completely jaded yet.
someday, you’ll turn 25 and realize none of the guys you know could survive a holiday with your family and you won’t want to date any of them and will think dating blows. and that the world is cold and loveless. then you’ll want to get cats and a body pillow, eat chocolate and give up on life.