- He occasionally ends tweets with “you don’t have to take my word for it!”
- He accidentally tweeted his phone number yesterday. Twice.
I popped one of you on Saturday after a stroll through Hollywood Forever Cemetery left me with the sniffles and itchy eyes. I knew you would dry out my sinuses and eyes, so I removed my contacts, lest they stick to my eyeballs and I have to peel them off at the end of the day. I had foreseen the dry eye situation correctly, but alas, I still had the sniffles.
On Sunday, the sniffles became the sneezes and sniffs and the itchy eyes were back, I turned to you for aid once more. You let me down again. Dry eyes, but still “achoos” and “I need a tissues.”
Monday: see Sunday
Today: I have now turned to your help so many times, Claritin, that you have dried up all moisture in my skull (EXCEPT FOR MY SNOT) so completely, that I have had a bloody nose off and on all evening. Dry eyes, dry mouth, dry and cracked sinus tissue that is bleeding, WHILE I SNEEZE. As you can imagine, I am not a pretty picture.
I hate you, Claritin. You are a big fat doody head and I hope Santa doesn’t bring you any presents this year.
Not so fondly yours,
Remember piggy back rides? I loved piggy back rides. I speak of them in the past tense now because, unfortunately, the height of Heidi Garvin in relation to the average height of men in America is not a ratio conducive to piggy back riding.
The only stamps the post office had yesterday were ones that featured wedding rings. So now all my mail looks like it has the leftover stamps from wedding invitations on it. I had to explain in a card I sent to a friend that I, in fact, was NOT getting married and not to worry, that I didn’t even have a boyfriend. In the card to my mother, however, I had to write CALM DOWN. I don’t even have a boyfriend! Put that Emily Post’s Guide to Weddings AWAY!
My mother said she wanted to eventually put a queen bed in my old bedroom. I said, “Oh yeah? Turn it into a guest room? That’d be nice.”
Mom: “Well sort of. I figure you’ll live out of town and you and your husband will need a place to stay when you visit.”
Me: “Wow. You have me living out of town AND being married? My life plans don’t really go beyond going home and staring at the cat while I think existential thoughts. You are dreaming BIG.”
Does anyone remember the semester I spent studying/google image searching/pretending to be an owl? Oh yeah. And in case you were wondering, I totally got an A in that play that counted as a class.
Theatre is a weird major.
Today, the little girl who lives across the street from my parents told me some really important things. We met on the driveway in front of my house. I was helping my mom carry in things from the car and she was taking refuge in the shade of our drive, eating some ice cream. She said that she watched a movie in school today about what happens to girls bodies when they get older. It was, and I quote, “disgusting.” They showed pictures of what is inside of you and even talked about THE PERIOD and tampons and pads! It was really gross.
Her little brothers were flanking her side, so I just told her it may seem “disgusting” but it’s natural. And I know, it’s weird to think about, but it’s not that gross. What I really wanted to say, though was this: I KNOW! THE PERIOD SUCKS SO BAD! AND CRAMPS! DID THEY MENTION THAT?? THERE WILL BE HORRIFICALLY PAINFUL CRAMPS!! UGH. TRY NOT TO GROW UP, IF YOU CAN HELP IT. JUST STAY ADORABLE AND EAT ICE CREAM FOREEEEEEEEEVER!!!
- teaching my 8 month nephew to mimic me and do jazz hands.
Today was a really important day.