My Neuroses For Your Entertainment

Just kissed my boyfriend with Taco Bell/cough drop breath.

He loved it.

Is anyone else watching Top Chef: Masters? It’s a treasure trove of great soundbites.

Unsolicited Advice From Heidi Garvin:

• Don’t charge into elevator doors that have opened without you pushing an elevator call button. There is someone getting out of it, you idiot.
• Don’t ask someone out by inviting them to your comedy show - or worse - the improv/comedy class that you teach, ESPECIALLY on Valentine’s Day.
• Don’t break up with anyone over the phone - declining a date via telephone is more than acceptable, however.
• Don’t repeatedly yell at a woman walking down the street, talking on her phone. Badgering her and interrupting her phone call to tell her she’s cute is NOT an effective way to garner positive attention. She does not want to go out with you. You are a tool.

When I walk by my boyfriend’s desk at work and he is not there, I often leave a cute/romantic post it note on his desk. Most recently, I left him the following note:

“I just farted in your chair. Love you!”

Greatest girlfriend? I THINK SO!

wilwheaton:

America, I am disappoint.

(images via The Great Orange Satan)

This weekend I’m gonna drive to the homeland (4 hours over the mountains, and through the fields of Central California), blast some awesome/terrible tunes in the car and sing at the top of my lungs (when I’m not making phone calls to IMPORTANT people (i.e. long distance lady friends)). I’m gonna by a lotto ticket when I stop for gas and get a frappuccino and get WILD under the stars on the dark, dark highway.

After that, I’m gonna do some laundry and clean my car, watch my parents’ TV and maybe kiss a baby. Then I’m going to TARGET to get a present before I get FANCY for a wedding reception. Then I’m going to stuff my face and they will have to roll me into the pool later that night (where I hopefully won’t drown.)

Repeat first paragraph (but with a Los Angeles destination), call my mom, then kiss my boyfriend.

Drumsticks are the original kebabs. And a turkey drumstick is the king of them all.

This may be the greatest photo of me ever taken:

Nope. This is:

This is what a happy family looks like:

Business emails with the entire message in the subject line and only put “thank you, from so-and-so” in the body.