Don’t charge into elevator doors that have opened without you pushing an elevator call button. There is someone getting out of it, you idiot.
Don’t ask someone out by inviting them to your comedy show - or worse - the improv/comedy class that you teach, ESPECIALLY on Valentine’s Day.
Don’t break up with anyone over the phone - declining a date via telephone is more than acceptable, however.
Don’t repeatedly yell at a woman walking down the street, talking on her phone. Badgering her and interrupting her phone call to tell her she’s cute is NOT an effective way to garner positive attention. She does not want to go out with you. You are a tool.
This weekend I’m gonna drive to the homeland (4 hours over the mountains, and through the fields of Central California), blast some awesome/terrible tunes in the car and sing at the top of my lungs (when I’m not making phone calls to IMPORTANT people (i.e. long distance lady friends)). I’m gonna by a lotto ticket when I stop for gas and get a frappuccino and get WILD under the stars on the dark, dark highway.
After that, I’m gonna do some laundry and clean my car, watch my parents’ TV and maybe kiss a baby. Then I’m going to TARGET to get a present before I get FANCY for a wedding reception. Then I’m going to stuff my face and they will have to roll me into the pool later that night (where I hopefully won’t drown.)
Repeat first paragraph (but with a Los Angeles destination), call my mom, then kiss my boyfriend.
I ride elevators far too often during my work day and it makes me wish someone would establish some sort of elevator etiquette book of rules. It should include the following:
First one on = last one off
No heavy perfume or cologne
Don’t talk to me unless I know you or it’s after 10am and an obvious talking point presents itself. Smiles/eye contact that lasts less than 3 seconds is okay.
Groups of people boarding elevators may continue conversations, but must use inside voices.
Do not yell into your phone that you can’t hear the other party, or ask loudly if they can hear you - they can’t. You are in a metal shaft riding a steel box up/down. You have no reception. They can’t hear you. Hang up the phone.
All making out should cease prior to the elevator doors opening. Sheepish grins are okay.
If you are by the buttons in a crowded elevator, offer to press the button for the people getting on.
If you are getting on, ask the person by the button to press it for you, rather than reaching through/around the crowd, i.e. no “accidental” butt grazes.
Go to clintonpickens.tumblr.com and look at the photos he took at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. Or maybe it’s a museum. Or maybe it’s both. WHATEVER. There’s a photo of him next to some statues that makes him look like he could be Ronnie and Nancy’s red-headed son and another one of him riding a horse with no legs next to Ronald Reagan.
Are you coming to the “If You’re Not Yet Like Me” book club NEXT Monday, April 18th?
If you are, you can pick up the book (If You’re Not Yet Like Me, by Edan Lepucki) at Vroman’s, Skylight, or Book Soup, or try rush ordering it from Amazon.com or Powells.com. (You should get this novella regardless. Trust me.)
Please let me know if you are coming or thinking about coming. Mama needs to make sure there’s enough artichoke spinach dip, stuffed mushrooms, and the like for everyone. Email email@example.com