After months of my boyfriend and his various college friends trying to explain what “water ice” is to me, and how it is NOT shaved ice, it turns out, it is just Italian Ice.* I KNOW WHAT ITALIAN ICE IS. How come no one ever mentioned it is Italian Ice?? How come SEVERAL PENN ALUMNI (Ivy League, y’all!) couldn’t adequately explain it, let alone just say “it’s Italian Ice?”
I am clearly displeased with them all.
*Apparently it is not JUST Italian Ice. IT IS RITA’S! Which yet another person has explained to me as being important “because you eat it after two hours of mini golf while your girlfriend is wearing a cross necklace.” This explanation leads me to believe that no one who has lived in Philadelphia will ever be able to provide a clear and easy explanation of Rita’s Water Ice.
I have gained weight in 2011. And by “weight” I don’t mean “a few pounds,” I mean 17 pounds in seven months. Not a gross amount of weight, but not a negligible difference, either. I am too large to fit into most of my jeans, but still skinny enough to look (relatively) the same size as before (this is greatly due to the fact that I am 5’10” and have a very long torso).
I have thought about dieting. I have thought about exercising. I have thought about making sure I don’t gain any more weight and that I retain my lithe figure. I have thought about losing the weight while I am young and it’s easier. But I have not put any of those thoughts into action for three reasons:
I am lazy
My left boob
My right boob
Did you know that if you let yourself go, you get boobs??? It’s a wonderful, terrible, dangerous reward for gaining weight.
Sure, I may not be getting all the nutrients I need and if I keep gaining weight at this rate, I am in big trouble, but ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever, my B cup runneth over.
Dudes, I totally get boobs, now. I always thought ta-tas were overrated. But now that I have enough to form a little cleavage with the right combination of bra and shirt/dress, I TOTALLY GET BOOBS.
Boobs are on par with the perfect little black dress, a rockin’ new haircut or a pair of jeans that makes your ass look oh-so-delectable - when you have ‘em, you feel like a million bucks.
Now, this is not to say that you need boobs to feel like a million bucks. They are just one of dozens, maybe hundreds, of things that can make a babe feel like a bombshell. Sometimes it’s a manicure, sometimes it’s a slender frame, sometimes it’s a badonkadonk, sometimes it’s simply a smile.
And sure, from what I’ve heard, there is too much of a good thing and having too much boobage is a problem and generally not good for the ol’ back, but right now, for me, boobs are the silver lining of my weight gain.
My boobs are also proof that I can’t have it all…I can have that tiny waist and long, lean legs. OR I can have a healthy size 8/10 body and boobs. But, without surgical alteration (which is not for me), I can’t have both. I will never look like Barbie or Heidi Klum. That is a fact. And now that I’ve seen the proof of that, I am even more okay with that fact than I have ever been.
So while I will probably start exercising soon, because I hear that’s a generally healthy thing to do at least a couple times a week, in the meantime, I am going to enjoy the heck out of my weight gain silver lining and leave the house everyday feeling like a million bucks.
And when (and if) I lose the weight and lose the boobs? Well, now that I have remembered what a million bucks feels like, you can bet I am going to wear the heck out of my skinny jeans and high heels with the freshest manicure you’ve ever seen.
Carmageddon, the weekend long closure of a large chunk of L.A. freeway, threatening to bring the entire city to a standstill and forcing us to prepare to bunker down and subsist on meat cooked over a flame, could not be happening on a worse weekend.
IT IS HARRY POTTER WEEKEND.
The bittersweet release of the last Harry Potter film, and the city is preparing for a traffic jam to end all traffic jams. How am I supposed to get to the theater to see this masterpiece multiple times this weekend??
Guess I’ll just have to blog about my white people problems and deal with it…and continue to secretly wish that after the release of the film, we will discover that Harry Potter is REAL and he will eradicate Carmageddon!
I showed this to Jim as he was packing for our weekend trip. Not only am I taking him to meet my family for the first time, but I am also taking him to do so in a suburb of Fresno. Where we will help set up for a two year old’s birthday party. And then go to said party. Jim may or may not have just said “What did I get myself into?”