My cat died today. To say I’m a complete wreck over this is an understatement. Imagine Kristen Bell if she had to watch a sloth get killed; that’s basically the frightening level of hysteria going on. Over a cat (a wonderful, amazing, perfect cat, but a cat nonetheless). This provides more evidence to support what I have previously suspected: if my parents ever die, I will most likely lose my mind and actually go insane from grief.
None of you are allowed to die. Ever. You hear me? I have too many feelings to cope with that, so everybody lives forever, okay? Okay.
Why did fast food restaurants stop carrying “small” sized sodas all those years ago? They are taking me for some change each time I buy a fountain soda, because I’m never going to finish it. If I put more than 12 ounces of Diet Coke in my stomach, there is a 100% chance I will have to poop very shortly thereafter. Smaller sodas, please!
I’d like to do something fabulous with my hair, but I have exactly zero ideas what would look fabulous with my hair.
What exactly is a “hot stone massage?” I’m getting one next week. Should I be scared? Please say no.
Today, I spun and spun in my office chair until I was almost sick. When I was little and would get to visit my dad at work, being able to spin in an office chair was the ultimate treat. If only my brother was here so we could spin each other and have races. It’s not the same alone.
Jim’s birthday was one week ago today. I was so excited to give him his present that I threw up. It was like that episode of 30 Rock, “Apollo Apollo,” where Jack finds a home video of himself being so excited to get a birthday present as a child that he throws up, or “Jacks.” I Jacked. Except my excitement was over giving a gift, not receiving it.
I have never in my life been good at keeping happy secrets. Give me your dark secrets, your burdens, and I will bury them deep inside of me. Tell me about a surprise you have planned for someone and you will rue the day you confided in me. I will give it away in a heartbeat. I may not ever say a single syllable about it, but my constant goofy grin and UNCONTROLLABLE LEVELS OF EXCITEMENT surely will give hint that something is afoot.
Needless to say, keeping Jim’s birthday present a secret for a whole month was so overwhelming with so much excitement that I had to keep suppressed (lest I give away the surprise), that when the final hours before giving it to him arrived, I threw up. Not only did I throw up, but I spent at least two hours perspiring like a champion. If there was a gold medal for the amount of sweat a person can produce from their armpits through sheer nervous excitement, it would be no contest. Winner, right here. Every. Time.
You would think I got Jim the moon for his birthday, or an entire mansion made of solid gold, not two tickets to Cirque du Soleil. (Jim loves Cirque du Soleil. The happiest I have ever seen any human being - small children included- was watching Jim take in Cirque du Soleil while he held my hand.) If I ever have the money to get Jim something truly epic, I think I’m going to have to go on a special diet and keep some Gatorade on hand to replenish all the electrolytes I will be upchucking from excitement.
The look on Jim’s face when he did open his gift was exactly what I had anticipated and more. Shock, excitement, joy, happiness all came across his face and he got that look he gets when he knows he is truly loved. That look, those emotions from him, that’s what I had gotten so worked up over. That’s why I was so excited.
Dear reader, I hope that you, too, have someone in your life whose happiness makes you so excited, you could just throw up.